Leadership Lessons Every Girl Dad Needs w/ Chip Scholz

In this episode of The Daughtered Podcast, I sit down with Chip Scholz, a leadership coach, author of "Small Decisions Big Shifts" & "Every Dog Has Its Day", woodworker, and father of three daughters, for a powerful conversation on fatherhood, leadership, and the quiet weight of being a dad.

Chip shares his unique journey into fatherhood, stepping in as a dad to three young girls after their biological father disappeared, and what it taught him about earning influence, not just holding authority.

We dive into:
• The difference between authority and real leadership
• Raising daughters through every stage of life
• Why dads struggle with imposter syndrome
• “Not forcing the cut” in fatherhood and leadership
• Small daily decisions that create big life shifts
• Building family values, purpose, and intentional legacy
• The tension between career success and being present at home

This conversation is full of hard-earned wisdom for fathers trying to lead better, love deeper, and show up stronger for their families.

Scholz Leadership Development

Chip on Instagram

Books:

Small Decisions, Big Shifts

Every Dog Has Its Day

00:00 Teenage Girls No Manual

00:49 Podcast Welcome And Guest

02:32 Chip Stepdad Origin Story

05:11 Earning Dad Influence

07:40 Teen Years Reality Check

10:26 Imposter Syndrome And Roles

11:40 Woodworking Leadership Parallel

15:55 Holding Space For Each Daughter

18:04 Four Games At Home

21:53 Systemic Versus Intrinsic Parenting

25:49 Bedtime Reality Check

26:31 Let Them Talk at Night

29:56 Career Grind Regrets

32:20 Second Mountain Shift

33:40 Adult Daughters Today

36:06 Memento Mori Parenting

38:33 Values Shape Decisions

43:56 Purpose And Character

46:12 Books Links And Farewell

49:38 Newsletter Call To Action

Guest Disclaimer:

The views and opinions expressed on this podcast are solely those of the guests. They do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the host, any organizations, companies, or institutions mentioned, or corporate entities represented by the host.

Our aim is to provide a platform for diverse perspectives and open dialogue. While we strive for accuracy and balance, it's important to recognize that opinions may vary. We encourage critical thinking and further exploration of the topics discussed.

Proudly Sponsored by Few Will Hunt
Restoring the dignity of hard work. 100%American-made. Everyone wants to eat. But only few will hunt

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:46

I didn't do everything right. In fact, I probably didn't did everything wrong. Um, you know, um teenage teenage kids are baffling, teenage girls, teenage girls. I mean they not only doesn't come uh there there isn't a manual that comes with it, but but not only that, I mean, if there was a manual, it'd be written in invisible ink. It's different when you've got one that is in diapers and is completely dependent on you. And it's another thing when when you walk into the situation and they're not dependent on you, but they are, they become. And um that's a that's a completely different situation, but it but it's it's akin to each other because because it's still it's still a shock.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Welcome to the daughter podcast, where fathers become everyday heroes in their daughters' lives. Grow, and leave with love. Here's your host, Oscar Pinya.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Daughter Podcast. Oscar here, your fellow grow and girl dad, today with a special guest that I want to bring to you to talk about fatherhood, as obviously we do here on the show, but also to get into just some contrasts between leadership, woodworking, and being a dad. And then the other thing that we'll talk about today is a little bit of um imposter syndrome and what some of us feel as we go through life trying to figure this dad thing out as we go. Today's guest is Chip Scholes. He is a successful and longtime leadership coach that speaks about leadership and quality through lived experience. Chip, how are you today?

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Great, Oscar. I'm so glad to be here.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Thank you very much for your time. We connected paths, and I was so intrigued by your story. As I mentioned, you are a leadership coach and speaker, uh, but also and most importantly, you're a father of three daughters now adult, which tells me there is just a ton of wisdom that has been built or pain, you know, either one. Yeah, I think I think wisdom goes for the pain, right? There you go. But before we get started, give us a little bit of your background. Uh, tell us a little bit about your fatherhood journey and a little bit about your daughters.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Well, my my fatherhood journey uh began probably not like a lot of other people's fatherhood journeys. Uh um didn't start with uh with two zygotes getting together and and uh you know a birth nine months later. Um it uh I uh I married into girls. And uh um so you know when I when I married uh my wife Chris, uh the girls came along. Um they were uh um three daughters, um they were uh uh fairly young at the time. And uh um their dad, you know, speaking of speaking of what you don't want to be as a dad, uh their dad had just disappeared. Um they he disappeared from their life. And in fact, the uh the last time that uh um they heard from him was the uh was the Christmas after we got married. Oh and that that was the last time that that they heard from him ever. Um he passed away several years later. Um, and the only way we knew is we got a uh a bill from Chevron um to the estate of, and uh um and that's the only way we knew. And you know, they they didn't really mourn his passing at all. Um they they acknowledged his passing, but they didn't mourn it. Um and and so you know, when when I look back at at what a what a father should be, I you know, Oscar, can you even imagine walking away from your kids and never seeing them again? Not not even a little bit, no. Yeah, I it just blows my mind, and uh, and you know, this is and his whole family disappeared. I mean, aunts, uncles, grandparents, their whole family disappeared, and uh, and so you know, I I was given a gift, and and the gift was you know, they they took my last name without thinking about it. Um, they uh um you know they called me dad fairly early. And uh God, you know, you you just you feel the love when all of a sudden you you start paying attention to who they are. Um now I was I was completely unprepared. I mean, you know, so I I only had a brother, I didn't grow up with uh with sisters, right? So the only woman that I really knew well was my mom. Yeah, that isn't a really good training ground for uh for for having daughters. So uh um, you know, um I did the best I could. Um I'm not sure I always did right. Um but you know the other the other thing too, and and I think this is really important, is is my wife was always there. She never she never questioned me in front of the kids. She always you know took me aside and said, Hey, do you think this is the best way to handle things or or whatever? We had conversations rather than fights, we had uh um, you know, um conversations instead of shouting matches, and and that that was that was so important.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Yeah, I I I'll I'll start there. The the partnership, the the person next to you to be able to almost set the stage and set you in that position, right? We we you know obviously you're probably more versed uh than I am, but after 18 years of military service, there's leadership and then there's position. And it doesn't matter what the position is unless there's leadership, but the position does allow for the talk of leadership, right? And for her to be able to give you the position in that manner, um, I think is important to be able to start your leadership from there.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Now, well, just I'd like to pick up on that for a second. There is a big difference between authority and power, and what you just said is um position is authority, it's granted to you by an outside authority, it's not earned, it's given. Whereas power, and and I use power, so if you if you you know go to the Wikipedia or you go to a dictionary, power has like 12 pages. Um but power, in my definition, is the ability to get stuff done. And and that's that's earned. So I may have had the position authority to be a dad because I married into it, you know, we had a piece of paper that said, hey, right. But but earning the power took years.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

And the influence that you would have gained from that is obviously the the work. It's the result of those years of hard work to be able to give them influence in your in your position.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Yeah, I you know, I I didn't do everything right. In fact, I probably didn't I did everything wrong. Um you know, um teenage teenage kids are baffling, teenage girls, teenage girls. I mean they not only doesn't come uh there isn't a manual that comes with it, but but not only that, I mean, if there was a manual, it'd be written in invisible ink. So all bets are off, you know, and and um going into teenagehood in a uh in a pretty quick manner was it was frustrating, it was baffling, it was you know, it was everything you would expect it to be and more.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Well, what I'll say first is welcome to the club. We don't know what we're doing either, and we are trying to figure this thing out as we go. Um and secondly, 100% agree with you that that invisible ink, you you almost feel like Sherlock Holmes. You're you're trying to figure out the connection between the things, but then something changes or a time of the month comes and that's all gone, right? And it's it's a it's a work in progress, and we are we are trying to figure it out. But what I will say is that we are intentional, we're here and we're we're putting in the work to to figure it out, even if it's the wrong answer or the wrong answer as we go, uh or the wrong action, I should say, we're here to figure this out, right? And and and we're we're showing up. And that's something that obviously their their biological father, if you will, did not even want to start doing, and that's something that we're trying to avoid, right? When we're looking at when the daughter podcast gets put on by some soon-to-be dad, I imagine just that person wanting to be intentional because they start to feel the weight of what's coming, right? And the weight is heavy.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Well, I I don't think I don't think you ever are prepared for the reality. And you know, it's it's different when you've got one that is in diapers and is completely dependent on you, and it's another thing when when you walk into the situation and they're not dependent on you, but they are, they become, and um that's a that's a completely different situation, but it but it's it's akin to each other because because it's still it's still a shock. You know, I I run an assessment that uh um that is really sensitive to understanding roles. And and I've had um several people, male and female, that uh um have taken the assessment and and they've taken that it shows their role awareness is is lower. And uh and the first time it happened, I uh it was a it was a young man and he was uh you know he was he was a shooting star, he was an executive with a company and all that kind of stuff. And and so I asked him, I said, you know, I I don't get it. Why would your role awareness be bad? And he said, well, he said, I'm going to be a father soon. And I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't really know how to if if I'm going to be a good father. And so that was tanking his role awareness. So you know, I I think it's you know, sure, it's trepidation. Yeah, the one good thing is that uh um we had you know we had a long engagement, um, and uh um and I was able to feather in with the girls rather than just dumping in all at once.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

That that takes me to an area that I definitely would like to explore with you. And and for you guys listening, if you were watching, you could see the amazing woodwork behind chip um in the back. You are a woodworker uh in your in your I would say spared time, but you have three daughters, so I don't know how really that works. But tell me a little bit about what we were talking about prior to the record button being hit, right? So we one thing that I've mentioned many times is is how I'm constantly trying to almost show up like I know what I'm doing in front of my daughters, and then when the door closes, I'm like, oh man, I hope that went well. I hope I didn't screw that up. Like, you know, I always the the joke I always tell my wife, I'm like, oh, that's probably a year of therapy right there. I don't know what just happened. Um it's a very finesse thing, right? And we were talking before, and I was I was reading uh one of your one of your profiles, and it was talking about that. It was now you were talking about leadership specifically, right? But it said that you need patience, humility, and then learning when not to force the cut. Right. I'll take us back to the young little girls. Those are in hindsight now, pretty easy. They depend on you, they they're watching you for the most part, up until what 10 years old. They they think you're you're the hero, you're you're the strongest, you you can do all these things. It's not so much with the teenage ones, right? And that line that you had on there, and again, you were making the parallel between wood working or wood turning and leadership, but it really stuck with me knowing when not to force the cut. I'm not a uh I don't mess with with uh with wood, but I assume that depending on how soft the wood is or hard the wood is, putting too much pressure or too less pressure is not going to yield what you're trying to do. And that's what it feels like when we're looking at being a father to a teenage daughter. Now, you came in from essentially the outside in, even though to be honest with you, Chip, I I feel like that all the time. Like I feel like I'm I'm from the outside in. I'm looking at another planet, yes, exactly. I'm I'm the only male in the house. I'm like, what is going on? Am I in the right place? Yes, it's that happens all the time. Um but talk to me a little bit about that parallel because it really stuck with me as I as I was learning more and more about you.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

When when you were turning, um so so one of the things that uh um there I I use traditional tools, okay, and they have to be sharpened, and they have to be sharpened quite often. So, you know, back thinking about uh Stephen Covey saying you've always got to sharpen the saw, that was one of the eight habits that uh um that he talked about. Um, that you always had to sharpen the saw. And and so, you know, when he talked about that is getting better at your craft and learning and doing all the things you need to do. It applies directly in wood turning because if your tools aren't sharp, you're gonna be one tired craftsman. Okay. You know, it's it's going to be forcing the cut, it's going to be, you know, when when you when you get sawdust instead of curls coming off the uh the wood, um, you know that it's time to sharpen. Interesting. And it's not going to be a pleasure, it's not going to be a joy. So, you know, when I talk about forcing the cut, especially with uh with young women, um, especially with uh um with leadership, um, forcing the cut, and it took me years to learn this. So, you know, I wasn't I wasn't good at this when when uh my kids were growing up. I really wasn't. Um but not forcing the cut means allowing space. Not forcing the cut means allowing people, allowing the your daughters to to be who they are, and understanding that that each one of them is a different person. You know, I'm sure you found that with your daughters is you know, they're completely different people. And uh um, and with my daughters, each one of them requires different things. You know, I've got one daughter that that will talk your ear off in the in the most uh um you know the in in the uh in the loudest fashion she possibly can. So holding space for her is you just keep your mouth shut. Right. And let her talk. Whereas I've got one that takes a little bit more thought and you know, and asking questions and you know, being present in the room to to know that there isn't going to be a lot that comes out of her mouth, but there's there's going to be great stuff that comes out of her mouth. Right. So so it's it's very different. And and forcing the cut means that you treat everybody like the same. Um, and and certainly, you know, there's there's some egalitarianism that you that you need to do. I mean, everybody gets it the same number of presents at Christmas and things like that. But but uh um but forcing the cut means to to not understand their their individual differences and uh um and not understand what you have to do to to allow them to be who they are.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

It's knowing them, right? Knowing them individually, kind of, you know, again, I don't know much about the woodworking side, but I do know that there's there's softwood, there's hardwood, there's I mean, there's all these nuances, depending on what you're working with, that that make you adjust your approach. And you said something that uh really struck me is uh giving them the space. One one thing that I always feel with my daughters, especially now, is that not only do I have three different uh people, three different uh characters, three different everything, they're in three different phases. Yeah, right, and so it almost feels like I have four games playing, right? So if you if you imagine a coach, there's like there's this four simultaneous games going on, but I'm running. So like I go to this one game, there's my five-year-old, and I have to figure out kind of what phase she's in, did she get enough sleep? Has she had enough water? Like all these things that that will influence my approach with her, right? And then I go to this other, like I I I take off the headset, you know, put that game away for a second, I run this other game, and then I have my 10-year-old, and there's all the things she needs and how she is, and my approach changes, and then my 14-year-old gets home, and I'm like, all right, now I gotta change this one completely, so now I have a different game. So that's three games, and then as I back up, I have the game, right? I have my three daughters, I have my wife, I have my home, I have the things that need to be done, how I approach those things, how they perceive me approaching those things. So it feels like I'm playing four different games simultaneously. And I don't know about you, Chip, but I don't multitask very well. So I find myself nobody does, by the way, but yeah, yeah, I find myself failing at one or another, most most of the time, two or the other. Like I, you know, it's it's not fine, it's it's fine-tuning that approach. One thing, and I know we'll talk about this uh here shortly, uh guys, but but the book that that Chip was so graciously um able to send me is is the book back here behind me, Small Decisions, Big Shifts. So I'm as I'm listening or as I'm reading this book, I'm starting to look at you you talk about context. What is my context there? I've got these four games. The one thing that I always come to, and I think this is why the the podcast is here, and I think this is why it's been successful and and has grown way more than I anticipated, is that the one thing that I find in all four of these games is one common denominator, and that's me and my output to each one of those games, and how you show up, and how I show up, exactly, and the feeling that the microscope is on all four, but is pointed at me, and that's what I've really come to notice, and that's you know, as I was reading your book, it it talks about context, but then that whole side of who am I, that's who it is, right? So where I uh for a long time I thought I was looking at these games from my view, I feel like now it's it's actually pointed the other way. It's each one of those spectators is looking at me, and that's the weight that we start talking about that starts feeling heavy. You're a leadership coach with over 20 years of experience in this in this concept, and it's an interesting conversation because we can talk probably leadership all day in the workplace. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I it just became very apparent that I not that I don't need to lead in my workplace, that's obviously my job, but how important it is to lead at home because that the all those uh all of those microscopes are pointing at me.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

You know, one of the concepts in the book, and I'm sure you read it, is is the concept of systemic extrinsic intrinsic. Um the uh three dimensions of thought. And uh um there's uh there's a guy named Robert Hartman who uh um he passed away in 72, but he was nominated for Nobel Prize for some of the concepts. And and I want to walk you through it if you don't mind. Um because I I think it really applies to to what we do as as human beings and and as as fathers. Um systemic is about rules and order. It's about big picture, it's about the things that you won't cross, the lines you won't cross. It's it's um it's about thoughts and concepts. Um going to the other way is intrinsic. It's it's people, it's how we deal with people, it's how we understand people, it's how we understand ourselves. And there's there's you're you're always you're always playing between the two. So if systemic says you have to be in bed by 10, which you know, that's probably really late. You have to be in bed by seven, right? Which may or may not work out really well. And so you've you've constantly um people really hate systemic things because they cause us to lose our liberties, and people love systemic things because they give us rules and order.

SPEAKER_03 24:40

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

So how it applies with with girls is okay, bedtime. You know, if if bedtime's eight o'clock at night, you've got someone that's going to rebel against that. But if you stick firm, maybe they'll appreciate if they understand the reasons. Maybe they'll appreciate it. However, however, there's got to be some intrinsic thought. You've got to treat treat people as people rather than a set of rules. And to me, that's important because you see the people as individuals, you see your daughters as individuals, you see your daughters as human beings, rather than somebody that I've got to do this and make this rule, and you know, maybe as your uh um one daughter goes into um teenagehood, um God bless you. Um but uh um but you know how do the rules how do the rules bend and flex? You know, one one of the things I talk about is uh um I um I have a phrase that I've used for years and it's it's Semper Gumby. And uh and so Semper Gumby is is really simple. Um Semper is always, right? Um thinking Semper Fidelis. And uh and Gumby is a um is a flexible, I don't know if you you've seen Gumby, but uh um yeah, the claimation from uh yeah that was probably rude to stand up, but uh yeah. No, yeah, there yeah, exactly. Yeah, see, I I keep Gumby over my desk um to remind me. And Semper Gumby is always flexible. So we all live within guidelines, we all have a basic set of values. We don't often talk about those values, we don't often define them in language, right? Which which would be really helpful, I think, which which becomes the framework or this the systemic part that we that we live within, and that we can always be flexible within that framework.

SPEAKER_02 26:57

Yeah, I noticed that we get stuck in the systemic. Oh god, yes. Right, right, because for example, we know that or we want bedtime to be 8 30. All right, 8 30 bedtime, and in your mind, because it's a you know, it's a it's a checklist, it's it's an item we got to get covered. In your mind, you think 8:30, everybody's asleep. Unrealistic. Unrealistic. The other thing is uh, I don't know if this happens to parents of boys, but I'm gonna tell you right now. We get them home from school, we do all the things that we want to do, we talk to ask them how their day was, try to get information from them, try to talk. Everything's fine, all good. Bedtime, I don't know what happens at bedtime, but then all of a sudden, everybody remembers everything they want to talk about, and then that starts. And so in the systemic, as you were mentioning, they don't like it because it's this rule that has to get done. We try to implement the rule because we know that health is important and you got to get some sleep, but then we get stuck in that, as you mentioned. It is the nope, it's bedtime, and so then it starts creating stress, right? Or at least for me, because bedtime for me for a long time was really, really stressful because I'm like, it's eight o'clock, guys. It's it's time to get ready for bed. 8 30, butts are in the in the beds, and lights out, we're going to sleep. And I would almost make that almost uh like like work, right? Like at work, you know you got to be at a place at 8 30, and that's that's the rule, and then you gotta do these things. And I would almost avoid uh giving them the space to not necessarily revolt to it, but but to be the human that you're talking about. Learned it later, much later than I should have. But as I mentioned, at bedtime, as soon as their butts hit the bed, they remember everything about their day and they want to talk about everything about their day. Right? Yeah, and I think for a while, especially with my oldest, I would instantly shut that down. Hey, no, I asked you earlier. We could have we had hours to talk about this before. Now it's not the time, time to go to bed. Missed connection, missed it. Right? So now we try to get him down by 8:30. We do our our uh gratitude exercise every night, right? All the girls and and mom and I. And then I just allow myself just like okay, they're gonna be talking. I'm not gonna stop it. You know, if it gets out of hand, I'll I'll bring it back a little bit, but they might need this time. This is the connection time, and that's something I didn't know before. And I think it's because I got so stuck in the systemic thought process of like, this is the rule, we gotta do this, you know, where the human side kind of gets lost in that. And I think we forget it's really easy to forget that, especially. I mean, chip, like we're human, right? You've been working all day, I've been dealing with other people outside all day. My my um decision uh fatigue is there. Like all these things are already against the bedtime routine that we forget that these little humans are in fact little humans, and they need that connection time and they need that expression time, and they need all these different things. Yes, would it be preferred to be at you know 6 p.m. and we're just hanging out in the living room flipping through books or watching a show? That'd be great. But apparently that that's not that's just not what happens with girls. It's that that connection time that I'm starting to try to intake more and to give them a time because I feel like I'm gonna miss that very, very quickly with a hindsight uh of knowing that I missed a lot of that with my oldest daughter.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

You know, we can go back and and I you know I look back and and think all the missed opportunities. Um after so so we we met and married in Tampa, which was a pretty nice life. You know, we spent a lot of time on the boat, and um, we just we just had a great time. Um then I got transferred to Los Angeles, okay. You know, bright lights, big city, all that kind of stuff. And our lives changed um and and never really went back. So there wasn't all the time to uh to spend. Um you know, I I was working it my my commute was an hour and a half each way. And so out of out of uh um you know self-protection, I would leave the office at uh at seven o'clock at night, get home at 8 30, um, say hello, grab something to eat, and and be back on the road at five o'clock the next morning. Wow. You know, and and so I I look back at those times and look at at how you know yes, I was building a career, right? Yes, I was I was doing what I could to support the family, which is a pretty traditional male role. Um my wife was always working, so that you know I wasn't the only uh income. And uh, and I was doing what I thought I should be doing, but I don't know it if it really gave what what my kids needed. Um and and so you know, we're always present at those times of stress. We're we're always present when something's going wrong. We just don't make we don't make the time to make things right as as well as we should. You know, if you if you have an absorbing job, um, you know, at at the time I wasn't traveling a bunch, but uh um I I took a job that um I was a lobbyist for um a trash company, and and the grind was there, um the commuting was there, and then throw on top of it city council meetings at night. Wow, yeah. So so I you know, I I look back on that and I say, well, okay. Have you ever heard of The Second Mountain by uh David Brooks? So there's a book called The Second Mountain, it is it is talking about the two mountains we climb. The first mountain is about wealth and you know power and fame and all that kind of stuff. And and somewhere along the line we have a crisis. Okay, and the crisis may be losing a job, the crisis may be uh, you know, maybe a health issue. Um, you know, I I certainly faced all of those. And and we have that valley, and that's that's the valley in between the two mountains. The second mountain is meaning and purpose. I would have loved to apply everything I learned on my second mountain climb to what I needed in that first mountain. So, you know, hey, I guess uh I guess your your kids are all warped and twisted because uh because that's the way you made them, but uh, you know, um it's the the more you can do, the more you can do to uh um to understand that you're on that first mountain, but also understand the really important things in life.

SPEAKER_02 34:53

Yeah. Now do you now that your daughters are older, do you ever find yourself having those conversations with them?

SPEAKER_01 35:06

Probably not. Um, you know, so so they all live fairly close, and uh, and so uh we see each other all the time. Um my oldest daughter works for me, and uh, and so you know I talk to her several times a day. Um she's over at the house uh a couple times a week. Um uh my youngest daughter is uh um is you know is is here as often as she can. She she loves wood turn, and so uh she and I are wood turners together. We're we belong to the same club and all that kind of stuff. Um my middle daughter um works with my wife here in the house, and uh um so I see her every day. And uh um and the relationships have gotten stronger, have deepened, have have become more flexible, more versatile. I think I think that's it. Um, but I you know, I don't know that you specifically have to have those conversations, or maybe you do. I don't know. Maybe that's that maybe that's something that I I'm not sure that that they're ready to have um the conversation. And and the what I what I mean by that is you know, especially as you get older, you start to think about mortality. Um, you know, I had a health scare uh 14 years ago, and and uh um uh that changed everything for me, and I think that that helped deepen our relationships. But uh um but I don't think anybody is willing to face mortality and what it really means. Does that make any sense?

SPEAKER_02 36:56

Yeah, yeah, it's almost like well, the way I take that is those conversations almost feel like in preparation for facing that mortality. Um I've often said that I I only maybe he's a little disagreeing, I'm not sure. I remember holding my first daughter and realizing that I was mortal. If that makes any sense, I face mortality. And in obviously, I'm I'm human, I I'm not that dumb, guys. I know I'm mortal, but in growing up until then, it just used to never really think much about it. And uh in my line of work, being afraid of death doesn't really make sense to me. So so that wasn't a that wasn't a that's very true, yeah. I mean it it makes no sense to me. So so it's never been a fear of death, but I distinctly remember holding her and feeling fear for not being around, which made me kind of face that thought of I I'm not gonna be around forever. So how do I how do I prep her? How do I do these things?

SPEAKER_01 38:09

Are are you familiar with the Stoics? Yes, okay. Um, and uh one of my favorite books is is uh called The Daily Stoic. Um, and it was Ryan Holiday a couple years ago. Oh, you got it right there? Yes, yeah, I I loved it. But one of the phrases that sticks with me, and I think it was Marcus Aurelius who said it, is is memento mori. Remember your death, basically, is is you know, but but remember you're gonna die.

SPEAKER_03 38:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:39

And and so I I wrote about that. The the book is coming out in March, is uh I'm called Every Dog Has a Stay. And what I mean by that is memento mori. It's not meant to be scary, it's not meant to be maudlin, it's not meant to be anything other than grounding. And and I think if you have those conversations in a grounding way, right, and also if that drives you to be better every day, then you know that's what drives me to be better every day.

SPEAKER_02 39:20

Absolutely. I think that's where I can distinctly pinpoint the turning into more intentional. Like I've got to start being intentional about these things, and that's been a growth in progress, right? From from you know, 2012 to now, um, three daughters in, still trying to figure out ensuring that I that I at least attempt to be intentional because of of that feeling. Now, one thing that you write very eloquently about is those small decisions, right? And I know that you know primarily it's it's geared towards leadership, but again, in the home, we want to be or the leaders in the home. So when we're looking at small decisions, what are the ones that you made that created those bigger shifts as you kind of grew up as a father, again, being in your situation?

SPEAKER_01 40:15

That's a great question. Wow, I've got to think about that for a minute. Because they're small decisions, right? You know, those there aren't those big moments that uh that you go, hey, we're shifting course and and moving. Right. Um, you know, I'm not sure I was always good at them, especially in early life. And if if I think of if if I think of, you know, since I've been a coach, that's been the last 27 years, um, that's a different life than what came before, because we were living in LA and uh and had a job that was kind of absorbing. But um, you know, I I think I think you spend so much time in survival mode that that those become the small decisions. The small decisions are about how you how you keep everything focused.

SPEAKER_03 41:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

You know. Um looking back, I would say the the biggest thing that is is of the greatest importance is to is to have is to define a set of values for yourself and for your family and talk about them. I wish I knew that at that time. You know, I would love to say that, yeah, we had values-based leadership in our family. Yeah, exactly. It was great. Um, but looking back, I I think that's that's the biggest thing is to say, okay, look, you know, whether it's a family, whether it's a city, whether it's a a company, whether it's an organization that such as you're in, everybody has to have a grounding set of values. So so it's really important to do that for your family, for your kids, you know, that that uh um that you understand in the broad concept. And so, and so getting away from the systemic, it's systemic with guardrails instead of systemic with a straight line.

SPEAKER_02 42:28

That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. And in fact, this last year, so funny you say that. I talked with a good friend of mine, uh Russ Kamura. He had this mastermind that that I was in with him, and we did just that. We said, All right, let's look at the vision statement for you as a father, the you know, values for you as a father, so that then you can take those into the family and have a vision statement for your family and values for your family. And it's kind of weird that we we don't think about that in the sense of the family. We absolutely think about that in the career path. In fact, uh in my last assignment, we spent like three days. The the leadership team spent three days figuring out, actually, four or five days, I can't remember now, but we were figuring out what the vision statement was, what the objectives were, what what those values for the organization were. And it dawned on me this this last year when when I was doing this, I'm like, why don't we do this? Because you're absolutely right. In order for us to be okay with momentum or knowing that we will not be around forever, knowing that the lessons that we teach, we want them to stick because we know life is hard and and and we want the best for them. Why not base those lessons to the values of our family so that it's not just comply, right? It's internalize. Oh, I shouldn't do this because it doesn't align with the values of my family, the values I was brought up with. And it's interesting because as fathers, and I know the fathers listening, the parents listening to the daughter podcast, we obviously have values. You have values that you're raising your kids with. We just, I think you mentioned it earlier, we just don't verbalize those. We don't internalize those as a unit, as a family unit, to say what you're doing is wrong because it doesn't align to this value. We just say what you're doing is wrong. So don't do that. That's right. Right? And in order for them to stick, if we align them to that value, that that's how that stays. And it's uh it's not an easy process, but it's I think it's really important what you just said.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

There's uh there's two chat two sections of the book that you just talked about, uh small decisions, big shifts that are in the back of the book. So when you get around to it, it'll it'll be um uh uh you'll you'll see them. Um the the last C, I've I've it the The um model is five C's and the last C is character. And then in I I can't remember exactly what section it is, but it's followed by purpose. To me, having a personal purpose statement is extremely important because again that grounds you and says, okay, what am I going to do? Um in order to have character, in order to put it all together, in order to lead people first, in order to uh um to do all the things you need to do, um have honesty, integrity, and and uh um and personal accountability. What are you holding yourself accountable to? So so you know, whether you're talking about a vision statement, um, I I call it a purpose statement for for me. Um my purpose statement is I live to develop people. That's what I do from the time that I get up in the morning. You know, we're we're having, okay, we can call it a conversation here, we can call it education or or whatever, but but you know, I hope that people that are listening to this podcast are better off for the interaction than they were when the conversation started. That there's there's some small thing that that will propel them forward to thinking about things in a different way. So, you know, for me, I live to develop people. Oh, by the way, people, I'm a people too, so I've got to develop myself to be the best I can possibly be so I can help others do the same. And uh um, and it it it factors into just about everything you do in life, then so um, you know, it's one of those things that I started uh with my first coach. Um I I learned about uh purpose statements and that kind of stuff. And and uh um it it informs the way that I go through life, um, whether it be with my wife, whether it be with my family, whether it be with um with the extended family, whether it be the organizations that I work with. Um I exist, I live to develop people.

SPEAKER_02 47:28

One thing that you mentioned earlier in our conversation was that tool not being sharp enough. And that that is the goal here at the Daughter Podcast. Is one, as I mentioned, and I don't hide it, um personally and selfishly, I need to sharpen myself so that I can show up for my family and my daughters. But the hope is that you listening out there, this is gonna help you sharpen yourself as well, so that you can show up better. And what Chip is bringing and what Chip has done in his work, but also in his books, is doing just that. So, Chip, just give us a little bit of the uh the where we can find you. Obviously, the the the book that is out that you guys can see behind me here, but also the book that is shortly to be out.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

Right. Um, well, you can find me on shoalsandassociates.com. My email is real simple, it's chip at shoalsandassociates.com, and and please I'd love to hear from you. Um the uh the books are on Amazon and uh and also are going so um I'm not on Amazon with the audiobook, but I'm on a number of different platforms like Spotify. I am on Spotify with uh with my audiobook, so you can find it there. Um the next book, every dog has its day. You know, it's it's the the subtitle is Reflections on Life, Love and the Lathe. And uh, and so I talk about how wood turning has impacted every portion of my life. And uh, and so you know, some of the I I talk about my kids and being a girl dad, and and I talk about the relationship with uh with my wife. Um in fact, there's a uh a section on there that's uh called hollow forms. I don't know if you know what a hollow form is, but it's it's like a vase or a uh um you know some some kind of thing where actually it's hollow on the inside, so you don't see what the inside is. And uh um so I'm I'm I'm looking forward to that uh that coming out, and that'll be available on audiobook as well. So great.

SPEAKER_02 49:41

And we're gonna have all of those links below where we can find Chip's work and where you can find Chip and uh what he's doing as well. Chip, I I can't thank you enough for sitting down with me, spending some of your your day-to-day with us, and just giving us that reflection of a fatherhood, of being a girl dad, and all of the things that that you you have learned and continue to learn as a dad. I I really appreciate you being with us today.

SPEAKER_01 50:08

Oscar, it is an absolute pleasure. You know, um it's it's different talking about being a dad than talking about being a businessman or talking about being a coach or or whatever. And so I really appreciate the opportunity and it's it's been wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 50:25

Well, thank you. For you guys out there, please take the time, listen, take notes, and absolutely go get the book because it is it is a easy but very introspective read, and it really makes you think about the things that you should be doing at home. The book technically gears towards leadership. We are the leaders of our home. So please go do that. In the meantime, keep listening to the Daughter Podcast. Thank you for your ears, thank you for your eyes. We will see you all later. Hey, if you enjoy the Daughter Podcast, you'll love what we've got waiting for you at daughterpodcast.com. As soon as you visit, you'll be prompted to join our new email network, a resource packed with double insights, practical technology, powerful perspectives starting from our podcast at the credit board. Don't stop on the chance to join 13 months, 21th.com. Never stop now.